For the love of god, can we please just fix the housing, ah, issue. I am no longer allowed to call it a crisis. Nope. It's not a crisis.
Who said? A bloke I speak to every time the housing c-word comes up. Poor old Michael Fotheringham. I've been interviewing him for at least 10 years in his gig as managing director of the Australian Housing and Urban Research Institute. He is the full bottle.
And why isn't it a crisis? He says it's not an earthquake, a flood, a drought. It's not time-limited.
"This is much broader, it's a generational problem. We have spent 40 years creating the housing problem we have and now we need to spend decades fixing it for all households and work towards fixing that."
Our current conversation is sparked by the federal government's rebranded 5 per cent deposit scheme which launched this week. It allows eligible (and that's just about everyone) first-home buyers to get a mortgage with that tiny deposit (plus! Hurray! No bloody expensive lenders mortgage insurance which protects the bank but not the borrower).
There's been a lot of chat about whether it will cause the cost of housing to soar. The Insurance Council says yes - and up to 10 per cent a year (oh, sad, are they missing out on their members' sale of lenders' mortgage insurance? Poor babies). The folks without any vested interest (that is, Treasury) predict just 0.5 per cent over six years.
I know who I believe and it's not the people who represent insurers, the folks who withhold payments from flood and fire victims.
Anyhoo, I'd like to propose - yet again - a short-term solution for Millennials whose parents own their own homes. I'm not being paid to make this suggestion. In fact, my own Millennials would like me to STFU about anything to do with them or anyone adjacent to them.
Also, before you write angry comments about how Boomers deserve their own space, let me just say: No. You. Don't.
My proposal is that Millennials should move back in with their parents. They should bring their partners with them. And also, their offspring. Too inconvenient for those poor Boomers?
I'll tell you what's freaking inconvenient and that's spending a grand a week on someone else's mortgage (also known as rent) and not being able to get the oven fixed, the mould removed, little possibility of solar energy and near zero maintenance. That is what I call inconvenient.
Let me say, I know living with Boomers can be hard. We are old, tired, often inflexible of mind and of body. We are not fans of the takeaway meal. We think we are tech-savvy but not yet entranced by AI. We worked hard for everything we have and some of us do not want to share. I have no science here to share, just lived experience.
And as for living with Millennials? My god, they have so much energy. They have a Millennial pause. They are, as one might have said 40 years ago, very full of themselves, maybe even a teensy bit narcissistic. Jean Twenge, professor of psychology at San Diego State University and author, has said Millennials are optimistic, support same-sex marriage at a higher rate than other generations. And, blessedly, they have a more egalitarian view of gender roles.
Also, many (OK, some) Millennials now have children.
Back to my proposal. Every Boomer who owns their own home should insist their Millennial children, even those who have children, should move back in with them. Stop forcing your children to spend money on rent when they don't need to. Allow them to keep that money they spend on someone else's mortgage to save for their own.
Are you a Boomer with no children? Very peaceful. Still own your own home? OK, allow complete Millennial strangers to move in with you (sure, do all the checking of their credentials first but no amount of Google will help you understand why these people want to use UberEats when they could rustle up something cheaper, quicker and less salty than any of that home-delivered yuck). In fact, you could share your cooking skills. Number one boomer cooking tip. Do not slice and dice garlic. Use a grater. Your life will change forever.
Yes, of course you can charge them rent - but it needs to be teeny, tiny, inconsequential. Why should you subsidise someone you aren't even related to? We are all brothers and sisters under the skin. And your work will ease the housing, ahem, issue for those you help. You are doing God's work.
Now there are Boomers who own their own homes but claim not to have enough room for Millennials of any kind. I'll tell you where you don't have enough room and that's in your heart. And if you really don't have enough room, take out a freaking reverse mortgage, give those kids their deposit and move on.
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Now, I'm sure I'll get some tedious correspondence which tells me that this won't solve the housing, ahem, issue. Who says? Everything and anything will help.
Fotheringham says the government's scheme will not push up house prices and I trust him to know what he's talking about. But he also says the same things he's been saying for ages. Can the government please cap negative gearing and capital gains tax concessions? And then? Gradually reduce the size of the cap over an extended period. That, says Fotheringham, would allow removal of a problematic policy setting without triggering market disruption.
"At state level, gradual transition from stamp duty to annual land taxes would reduce one of the key barriers to mobility and downsizing," Fotheringham told me earlier this year.
And while we wait for a political miracle, open up your doors. And your heart. Now working on the book: Surviving Life with Millennials. Joke. I wouldn't dare.